[Foreword: Do not read if you lack a sense of humour.]
Once upon a time, in the uncharted backwaters of the world, a small village named Modos (translation: in squirrel language, or Squirrelish, it means 'unnatural') lay peacefully undisturbed in a remote corner of the globe. The villagers were squirrels; and contrary to popular opinion, squirrels actually had their own religion, as did all other animals. Squirrels believed in the death and resurrection of King Nuts, who heroically died for the redemption of the squirrels, who were guilty of unpardonable sins. King Nuts bravely offered his blood in exchange for the cleansing of the souls of the squirrels, and he was commonly believed to be the Son of the Nuts God, who had selflessly sacrificed His own son out of His boundless love for squirrels. Therefore, to express their loyalty, gratitude and undying love for the Nuts God, the squirrels would gather at the village chieftain's nest every Sunday and sing their praises. The chieftain's name was Lele (his name took root in the word 'lelemantos', which in Squirrelish meant 'justice') and he was an incorruptible and upright squirrel - the very embodiment of virtue and all that was good and desirable among squirrels. Lele was happily married to his wife, Munro (translation: 'beauty' in Squirrelish, pronounced as 'squeal squeal'), and they had two lovely daughters named Jünmanta (translation: 'virtue', pronounced as 'squeal squeal') and Yeddit (translation: 'intelligence', pronounced as 'squeal squeal').
Everything was quiet and happy for the villagers until calamity descended upon them one day. Nuts God had received several complaints against the villagers (for what reasons and on what grounds are currently still unclear, hopefully further research will yield more insight) and the outcry against the Modos village was getting more and more agitated. Apparently the denizens of the Modos village had collectively done something extremely immoral to incur the wrath of residents of other villages and thus that of the Nuts God, for they would not have been punished so severely otherwise. Beneath their placid and loving exterior, it seemed as if there really lurked an insatiable monster of greed and sin. The Nuts God, in order to to uphold justice, thus decided to demolish the village by willing a disaster upon them. But, at this time, two angels approached Nuts God and asked, "Oh, Alnutty One, would You destroy the righteous along with the wicked? If there were fifty righteous squirrels within the village, would You also devastate the place and not spare it for the fifty that were in it?" The Nuts God, in His usual benevolent manner, said, "Of course not. I wouldn't wish to kill even one innocent and respectable squirrel, let alone fifty!"
Upon hearing this, the angels arrived at Modos village and knocked on Lele's door. Lele welcomed the angels with open arms and warm hospitality, and prepared an impressive feast to please their palate. After dinner, before they went to sleep, they were disturbed by the sudden gathering of the villagers outside Lele's home. The villagers called to Lele and said loudly to him, "Where are the visitors who have come to you tonight? Bring them out to us that we may know them carnally!" Lele, filled with an admirable sense of justice, refused humbly yet firmly, "Please, my fellow villagers, my darling brothers, my brethren, do not do so nastily! See now, I have two daughters who have not known a mona (translation: 'male squirrel'); please, let me introduce to you, and you may do to them as you wish: only do nothing to these mönat (translation: 'male squirrels'), since this is exactly the reason they have come under the protective shadow of my roof."
The villagers were overwhelmed with anger, for they thought, How could the chieftain not share with them his weal? And so they pressed hard against Lele, threatening to dismantle his door. Fortunately, at this time, the two angels quickly grabbed Lele back into his home, and shut the door with a heavy thud. The two angels then deprived the squirrels gathered outside Lele's house of their sight, disabling them with blindness, so that they became exhausted in their fervent attempt to find the door. The angels then turned to Lele and asked anxiously, "Have you anyone else here? Take them out of this place, for punishment will be meted out against this village very soon! The Nuts God has decided to annihilate the population here, and He has sent us to carry out the demolishment - the village shall be consumed in fire the very next day."
The next morning, the angels prompted Lele to hurry, and they took hold of his hands, his wife's hands, and the delicate hands of his two daughters and brought them out of the village, urging them to leave the place as soon as possible and never to return for good. "Do not look behind you and escape directly to the mountains, lest you be consumed in punishment!" And so Lele and his family fled as fast as they could. However, Munro, being as curious and inquisitive as always, could not suppress her desire to witness the spectacle that was behind her, for it was only once in a lifetime that such an exciting event should take place in her life, and against warning looked back to see what was happening, only to be reduced to a crumbling tower of nuts. Lele was filled with grief and trauma at this sight, for one must acknowledge that it is psychologically trying to see with your own eyes the demise of your spouse who has perished in the most unimaginable and ridiculous fashion. Lele collected himself with supersquirrel determination and continued his escape to the mountains with his daughters. After a long and arduous journey, Lele and his daughers finally reached the summit of Sugarcandy Mountain (where there were a lot of trees and, predictably, sugar and also candy) - which was also known as the Chastity Mountain, for sugar was deemed a holy dish of which only the Nuts God was deserving - and dwelt in a cave there. There were a lot of stalagmites and stalactites in the cave, which rendered sleep very difficult and uncomfortable.
Now Jünmanta said to Yeddit, "Our father is old, and there is no mona on the earth to come to us as is the custom of all the earth." And so Jünmanta boldly proposed a plan which Yeddit agreed to be foolproof and wonderful, and thus the plan was put into motion that very night. Jünmanta asked to have supper with her father below a tree where they roasted nuts using fire aroused by the friction between two branches, while Yeddit pretended to retire early for bed when she really was secretly planning to climb atop the tree by which her sister and her father were having a campfire. And so she did, and plucked the biggest nut from the branches of the tree, and with amazing adroitness and accuracy aimed the nut at her father's head, and successfully knocked him unconscious. Jünmanta then fornicated with her father at the bottom of the tree, while the sheer vigour of their activity shook the tree so much that Yeddit almost fell to the ground.
Yeddit was very angry that her elder sister had shown no consideration towards her safety, occupied by only her prurient thoughts. As compensation, Jünmanta agreed to carry out the plan again the next night, this time to allow Yeddit a taste of the indescribable physical happiness one could receive through the act of intense sexual intercourse. And so the moon fell and rose again, and the next night was here, and Yeddit copulated with her father. She was so immersed in the immense joy of sexual pleasure that she whimpered and moaned, her expressions of uninhibited enjoyment resonating throughout the mountain, making even the sparrows blush. The sparrows complained loudly, "O Heavens! What have I done to deserve this? Why do I have to have my precious sleep so rudely interrupted by the awful cries so pregnant with wicked details of private activities of which I have no wish to know?" And the heavens, in their majestic silence, did not answer.
Anyway, after some time, Jünmanta and Yeddit found that they now had buns in their ovens. The buns were, unquestionably, placed there by their father. However, their father, a rather naïve and and simple-minded mona, did not realise that he had committed incest with his daughters, though he really should have thought of that, since there were no other mönat in the mountain other than him. He thus concluded that his daughters must have evolved into advanced squirrels who were able to reproduce asexually, as the rules of nature dictated (and still dictate). There were no mönat on the mountain to engage in sex with his daughters, and in order to ensure survival and the preservation of lineage, his daughters had become supersquirrels blessed with the incredible ability to bear offspring without sexual intercourse - or so he believed. Apparently, to him, evolution could take place in the mere span of weeks, instead of stretching over countless millenia before bearing visible results. And he began to wonder if King Nuts' mother, Virgin Yram (translation: 'purity', pronounced as 'squeal squeal'), also had the same experience - was King Nuts conceived in a triumphant feat of science?
Jünmanta bore a son and called him Baom (translation: 'integrity', pronounced as 'squeal squeal'), and he is the father of the people of Setibaom to this day; and Yeddit also bore a son named Immaneb (translation: 'courage', pronounced as 'squeal squeal'), and he is the father of the people of Nomma to this day. And they all lived happily ever after.
søndag, september 16, 2007
[Foreword: Do not read if you lack a sense of humour.]