søndag, december 17, 2006

圣诞快乐

Foreword: Check out Stonez's version of this poem! Entry dated 19 December, 2006. :) I think he is much better in writing poetry than I am - after all he is an accomplished poet who has already published two poetry collections!


整座城市的街道彩灯绚丽
我独自走在人群里
无语
步伐诉说着喧哗中的孤寂
在很远很远的地方
你望着我离去
直到我完全消失了
身影
的轮廓定格在你的记忆里
习惯了安静
语言就以背影代替


这里没有冬天
寂寞的十二月
只有冷冷的倾盆大雨
一树一树的亮灯碎影
在雨里
朦胧美丽
我也偷偷目送着你
渐行渐远的背影
模糊不清
这片只有雨水的净土
是眸里
深深的水域
一个人的路太长
一个人的风景
以自己的孤影作为标记
我用一生目送你离去
在雨中变得柔和的那些灯影
是我眼中闪烁的晶莹


你走了
我在人潮中很安静
悄悄等待圣诞的来临
没有雪的冬季
你的背影
就如同我的背影
在对方的泪光里凋零

18 kommentarer:

Faith sagde ...

I really really do love the people who read your blog. They make me laugh.

mu tai dong:

Me give you teach English yes? 1 minute 1 thousand dollars. Your English lousy no choice.

estelwen sagde ...

lol, faith u're lame

Blog in English, auf Deutsch sagde ...

I understand the poem, but not the comments

Anonym sagde ...

Hello! I haven't checked out your blog in a long time too. Well, seriously thought you deleted it or something. Enjoy your holidays, keep in touch.
Dawn

Faith sagde ...

:)

Miao sagde ...

Frobisher: It isn't patriotic. There is no sign of patriotism. And I'm not Taiwanese. I don't know what makes you think it's patriotic, but if it is Mu Tai Dong's translation of the poem that makes you think so, all I can say is: Don't be fooled.

Blog in English, auf Deutsch: It is best that you don't understand. Let it stay that way. :)

To kill a zEnots sagde ...

hmmm. interesting friends u have. the mu guy there, pretty bilingual huh? is he a retard or wad?

some comments on the poem:
1) the line arrangements, especially those parts that align towards the right, do they hold any purpose? for me my breaking up of lines are mostly for rhyming, or to enhance the beat.
2) as compared to the deliberate line arrangements, it seems that the overall structure is overlooked. while its not neccessary for poems to have exact para structures, i personally think that a basic shape is still a must, if not why write poems instead of proses.
3) some excellent lines, i esp liked "一个人的路太长/一个人的风景/以自己的孤影作为标记/我用一生目送你离去", and "没有雪的冬季/你的背影/就如同我的背影/在对方的泪光里凋零".
4) i sucked at giving comments.

in any case, sorta re-wrote your poem with a touch of my 'style', if i do have one that is. just for your referrance ;)

圣诞快乐

我的步伐省略在整座城市的霓虹
那里你望着我离去
习惯了安静语言就该由背影来代替

十二月的寂寞省略在没有冬天的倾盆大雨
亮灯碎影构成一树一树的美丽
模糊不清的晶莹全是偷偷在我眸里--
背影朦胧的你

一个人的路太长,一个人的风景
以自己的孤影作为标记
是我一生,我用一生目送你离去

一个人的梦太短,一个人的叹息
将你的背影写成日记
一生浮沉,我用一生来埋葬关于你的记忆

你还是走了。人潮中
缺乏雪的冬季省略了我安静地在等待圣诞的事实
至于你和我的背影
也于焉落得在泪光里互相凋零的结局

Jingoistic sagde ...

seems kinda wrong to take someone else's poem and then tell them what's wrong about it. Then critique it. Then "improve" it.

How do you improve someone elses poem anyway? A poem is a mirror of ones soul, can u express the same emotions as the poem writer? I think not.

Oh well, maybe it's not such a big deal.

Faith sagde ...

mutleythedog, finally, i actually agree with you completely.

To kill a zEnots sagde ...

oh well. i didnt say mine was better, its purely for referrance.

To kill a zEnots sagde ...

and to those mutaidongs or mutleydoggs or whoever with the initial of M.T.D: its better to leave the ching chong chais for the ching chong chais, although i appreciate that you guys actually bothered to cook the Altavista Babel Fish.

Miao sagde ...

Jingoistic: I asked to kill a zenots to give me his comments because he is an accomplished poet who has published two poetry collections. :) And well, there are some poetic techniques and details which I may not have heard of.

Mutleythedog: There is a difference when someone takes your poem and mutilates it.

To Kill a Zenots: Thanks so much for your comments, and good one there about the babel fish.

Faith sagde ...

To Kill a Zenots:

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know you were invited to comment on her poem.

To kill a zEnots sagde ...

faith:

;)

Jingoistic sagde ...

Sorry to "to kill a zenots". I had no idea you were invited. Please forgive me.

But wow, a published poet? Why does this blog attract all the intellects? Oh Miao how I envy you.

Oh btw, I've posted my msn on my own blogs comments thing. So no loonies add me :)

Miao sagde ...

Everyone is welcome to critique my writings! The very reason why I choose to post my writings online is precisely because I wish to improve myself. :) So all constructive criticism is welcome (stare pointedly at certain individuals).

Miao sagde ...

Jingoistic: With all the looneys visiting my blog, you can hardly say that this blog attracts many intellects.

Jingoistic sagde ...

There's a fine line between genius and insanity.